Aren’t Kevin’s new webpage designs pretty?

This morning it’s my turn to wake early, which is much less often the case. I’m pretty sure excitement concerning the return of the Prodigal Laptop is not a significant factor in my case, although it will be nice to get my own computer back.

Actually, I feel slightly sick. Slightly dizzy, and slightly sick. This could reasonably be attributed to three potential causes:

  1. I could be pregnant.
  2. I could be in a state of great apprehension and agititation, in case I AM pregnant, without actually being so.
  3. I could be in the early stages of malnutrition.

Reasons why I might be pregnant:

The first and obvious one, is that I’m late. Not very late – about three days – which, given how vague I am about knowing when I’m due, is nothing. Nevertheless, by my calculations, I was due on Thursday; it’s now Sunday, and still no sign. Friday was punctuated by minor, period-pain-like twinges, but without any kind of follow-through, that doesn’t prove much.

Secondly, whilst it would be overstating the case to suggest that we’ve been trying, we’ve certainly stopped trying not to. And I’ve been taking folic acid, which I think is a psychological concession towards trying. I wasn’t at first, because of how we weren’t really trying, and our friend, Stuart, told me off. The fact that we even had the conversation with him, I suppose, implied a psychological concession towards trying. I’m pretty sure he’s the only one of our friends and family with whom we have come right out and admitted to trying. I think I’ve dropped my mum enough hints, though.

Thirdly, by my admittedly ropey calculations, ovulation probably happened around the week of Christmas. We had a lot of sex that week. Jolly nice, it was, too.

That’s enough to justify eight quid on a test, isn’t it?

Reasons why I might be apprehensive, rather than pregnant:

Whilst I do want a baby, and there’s little point in pretending otherwise, major life changes make me nervous. The idea of getting married rendered me pretty much hysterical for several months, and I’m pretty sure that any confirmed pregnancy on my part will be accompanied by something of a crisis. What if we don’t have enough money? Where will the baby sleep, when all our bedrooms are full of desks, and computers, and books? What if we don’t have enough money? What if I turn out to be a rubbish mum? What if something goes wrong – do I have it in me to survive miscarriages, and still-births, and the other risks that come with any pregnancy? Or will I go quietly and completely loopy? And, of course, what if we don’t have enough money?

Matthew 6, verses 25-34.

Reasons why I could be in the early stages of malnutrition:

For various reasons, tea last night comprised of two very rich chocolate (flavour, not coated) biscuits. If I AM pregnant, then that is a most inauspicious nutritional start, isn’t it (though I did take my folic acid…)? This is partly because we had a large lunch (and a cheesy one, at that – many, many “Weight watchers” points), and partly because… well, we weren’t hungry, and we didn’t get around to it, and then Kevin’s sister came, and it just never happened. No good reasons, just reasons.

Malnutrition may be overstating the case a little. Maybe I should forage in the kitchen for some cornflakes, and see how I feel after that.

I did purchase the eight-pound test from Boots, yesterday, but I haven’t taken it yet. Partly because I was concerned it might still be too early – if you take it too early, it just comes back negative, and you have to take another one three days later. That’s just throwing good eight quids after bad, isn’t it? I think also, deep down, I suspect I’m not. And I’m putting off finding that out. Just for a day or so.

I plan to take it today, but probably not until after church.

Listen, only Kevin knows any of this stuff, so don’t say anything to my friends and family, will you? I’m pretty sure it’s a breach of protocol to tell the internet before you tell your parents, and I’m relying on a global disinterest in this column to save me from getting into trouble with my family…