I’m thinking of throwing away my clothes. All of them – or at least the vast majority of them. I have very, very few things that I like, and I’m sure that when I step back and think about it, I know what I ought to be wearing instead. I’ve watched enough Trinny and Susannah (and whoever the two birds are who do it now) to know: I have good boobs, I should wear V-necks, and better quality bras than I do; I am fat, but I do have a distinct waist, and should aim for fitted things that show it off, without stopping me breathing; I have rubbish legs, and should go for below-the-knee skirts, and trousers*; the tops of my arms are particularly fat and horrid, so for pity’s sake, stop with the short sleeves – three quarter length is best.

Also, I suit red, dark blue, purple, and cerise-in-the-winter (bright pink on a hot day just makes me look flushed). I absolutely do NOT suite light blue, turquoise or any kind of aqua-marine sort of colour. I can get away with browns and beiges, but not orange, and greens should be murky, not too bright.

You see? I get it. So how come I still buy short-sleeved lemon t-shirts?

* Note: not sure about trouser shape. Must do more research.